I hate Twitter a lot. I hate it more than all the other social networks combined. There are many reasons for this, and I am proud to have managed to set these out with minimal profanity.
· The biggest fucking problem with Twitter is that, most of the time, the people you are friends with in real life are not on Twitter. This is because your friends are more sensible than you. And they have lives. One of Twitter’s many side-effects is that you start to hate your real-life friends because deep down you realise they are better than you and also have more fun. When your real-life friends are on Twitter, it’s usually because you persuaded them to get an account and dragged them kicking and screaming into Twitterville. And then...these friends end up with a thousand people following them on Twitter in one day while you languish in the teens, what the FUCK? Is there a word for killing friends? Platonicide? I don’t know.
· You therefore have to find people to follow. This basically means that you find that one person that told you that they’re on Twitter and it’s the shizzle, and then you go poach all their friends. This is nowhere near as much fun as poaching eggs. The only upside is that, unlike FaceBook, you can just go follow them without having to send a request. It’s like proper stalking, not that fairy-type stalking you do on FaceBook, where you have to ask permission to be their friend (like what wussfuck is that?) If the person has a lot of followers they don’t even know you’re there.
· Once you have ‘followed’ people, you then have to try to get followers. This is the worst bit. You either already need to know a lot of really kind people on Twitter (like Yusuf Moolla, follow him if you’re on Twitter, he treats you like an actual human being), or you have to be a celebrity, or you have to go down on one knee and propose in front of everybody that they follow you, because you cannot send a private message on Twitter to somebody who isn’t following you. Everybody can see how many followers you have. When you are sitting on 13 followers, and some of them are not actual people but businesses that have latched on to some key word you used in a tweet, this can get embarrassing. I have no idea how these key words get accessed, or what the key words are that trigger the follow. I only know that when my tweet included the phrase ‘I’d suck my own dick for you’, that Mannas Cafe Johannesburg followed me within seconds plus invited me for tea.
· Even the people you are following who know you in real life will not follow you back. The reason for this is the follower-to-following ratio rule. Once you have managed to get your follower-to following ratio to read thusly: followers>following, then it means you are Twitterlicious. It’s the cyber-equivalent of having Beyonce’s ass. Nobody wants to lose their Twitterliciousness. Because the world will come to an end in 2011 instead of 2012. Or something equally catastrophic.
· What to tweet about can be a bit annoying. And reading the tweets of the people you follow serve to make you feel either incredibly boring, like when they tweet about the Wonderbra party they were invited to; or just plain bored, like when they Tweet about how amazing their boyfriends are. It is also difficult to restrain yourself to 140 characters when what you really want to say is this: ‘You are a kunt supreme. I do not care that you have 3 hours left to pull at the office and that you’re looking forward to seeing the woman you live with. Marry her you bastard, did your mother raise you to be such a complete poes that you think your girlfriend is content to shack up with you for 5 years? Nice man-boobs by the way. Also I don’t care that you think she is lovely, I mean, wtf – tell me if she is a Wonderbra model or a contortionist or something, then I might be interested. Does she insert weird objects up your butt? Why not, what’s wrong with her?’ The worst part of all is that even if you did write that, this particular type of Tweeter, who tweets every five to ten minutes, is not following you and won’t see your Tweet anyway.
· For some weird reason, you end up wanting to follow the friends of people you know in real life. At first, you think this is quite important. After a while, you realise your friend’s friends are pretty much self-obsessed assholes and you start to see your friend in a very different light. This might actually be the only good thing about Twitter. That and sneaking a peek at your friend’s tweets and realising the hot model they keep tweeting, the one you were jealous of, does not follow them back or even reply, hahahaha.
· Unfollowing people sometimes doesn’t work. I tried for 3 days before I managed to unfollow this fat fuck of a popular comedian who uses the word bitches a lot. I don’t mind the use of the word bitches, but when a guy has man-boobs and he says ‘Thanks for the follow, bitches,’ or talks about how he doesn’t mind hate-mail from followers because only their 13 followers will see, it gets knaaring, know what I mean? His followers are the reason he is anybody on Twitter, no need to be rude. Plus his grammar is....poor. His grammar is so poor man, I tell you, I just don’t know what to say. Just kind of sitting here trying to come up with a funny thing to say about his grammar and I can’t. His grammar is so poor it isn’t even funny. Twitter doesn’t let you let go of people easily. But when I did manage to unfollow that guy, it gave me intense female pleasure. Delayed unfollowing is the Twitter-equivalent of tantric sex.
· No matter how fabulous your tweet, without followers, nobody is going to see it. It’s like the tree-falling-in-the woods question. It’s pretty much like talking to yourself, but with humiliation-flavouring.
· I realllly wanted to include something on trending, which I sort of think is funny, and also Follow Fridays, but my dickhead laptop does not have a hash key. Can you believe it? The hash key types out this: £. So I have to end like this: £andthatisall.